Gundam Goes to Maury
by Quatre Winner
Summary: I was completely bored when I wrote this. Relena takes the pilots to Maury to confront their worst fears. One-shot.


Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. End of story.

Gundam goes to Maury

The five gundam pilots waited nervously backstage on the set of the show Maury while watching on a small TV screen as Relena talked to the host of the show. And why were they on Maury? Because all five of them had lost on a bet and were now there to do something unthinkable: face their worst fears. It was unthinkable because none of the pilots liked to admit that they were afraid of something. But who was making them go? Relena, just because of a small prank they'd pulled on her, and for revenge she was going to get themselves humiliated on national television.

They watched as Relena explained everything to Maury. They could even hear what they were saying.

"You're saying that you don't even know what they're afraid of?" Maury asked Relena.

"Right. But I know they're afraid of something, and I want to find out what it is," Relena said, back straight, hands folded neatly in her lap.

"Well, who do you want to see first?" Maury asked.

Relena thought for a moment. Probably deciding who'd been the one to think up the prank. "Duo," she decided firmly.

Backstage, Duo groaned. Quatre patted him on the back comfortingly. Duo walked out onto the set amidst cheers and sat down next to Relena.

"So, Duo, you gonna tell us what you're afraid of?" Maury asked.

"Why not?" Duo asked. "The truth is, I'm afraid of that chick Dorothy. Her eyebrows are enough to send someone screaming for cover!" 

The audience laughed. "You serious?" Relena asked. "I thought it would have been spiders or something."

"Nope," Duo said. "And if you bring that girl here, I swear I'll kill you!"

They all heard someone yell from backstage, "THAT'S MY JOB!"

Someone walked up behind Duo. "Hello, Duo," Dorothy said.

Duo screamed and ran off the set. Backstage, the pilots stare incredulously as Duo dives behind a couch to hide. Dorothy comes in a few minutes later looking for Duo, but immediately latches herself onto Quatre. Quatre looks to Heero for help desperately. Heero knocks Dorothy out.

Meanwhile, on the set Relena recovers from laughing herself to tears. Maury couldn't help but look amused.

"Okay, um, maybe we'll need to help him. Who's next?"

"Heero," Relena said.

Heero uncertainly walks onto the set and sits next to Relena. "So what are you afraid of?" Maury asked.

"Nothing," Heero stated firmly. "As a soldier, I can't be afraid of anything."

"I've seen you run away from spiders!" Relena protested.

Heero glanced sharply at her. "You saw that?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said.

"I guess spiders freak me out a bit," he conceded.

Someone walked up behind him and set a tarantula on his soldier. Before anyone could react, Heero had whipped out a gun and shot it off his soldier. His hand was visibly shaking.

"Maybe more than a little," he said coolly. The audience watched in stunned silence.

Maury wiped his forehead nervously. "So now who?" he asked nervously.

"Trowa," she said.

Trowa walked out as cool as could be. When asked about his fear, he calmly replied, "Cats."

"Cats?" Relena asked. "But you work with lions!"

"I can understand a predator," Trowa said. "I can't understand something whose only purpose seems to be to act cute, and not understanding scares me."

Duo snuck out with a kitten. Trowa calmly got up and walked off the set, though everyone could see his knees shaking.

"Quatre next," Relena said.

Quatre walked nervously onto the set. "Just so you know, Relena, I had nothing to do with switching the shower knobs in your bathroom," he said.

"What're you afraid of?" Maury asked. 

"Living with 29 sisters has made me immensely afraid of Barbies," Quatre said, going a brilliant shade of crimson. The audience laughed.

"Barbies?" Maury asked, abandoning all pretext of trying to stay neutral. He laughed with everyone else. 

"Yes, Barbies," Quatre said.

Someone in the audience tossed something on the stage. Quatre picked it up, saw it was a Barbie, and immediately went catatonic. "I dun wanna play any more," he mumbled, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.

Ignoring Quatre, Relena said, "Wonder what Wufei's afraid of?"

"Let's find out," Maury said, still chuckling.  Wufei walked out.

"Before you ask, I'm afraid of angry women," Wufei said flatly.

That elicited more laughter than Quatre's Barbie phobia. Maury was tearing up, he was laughing so hard.

"Well, now that we know what everyone's afraid of," Maury said, "We'll send them backstage to see if they can be helped." He snorted. "We'll be right back." 

"Right back" turned into several hours where several yells and cries of pain could be heard, not to mention several gunshots. After a while the counselors ran out, some sporting gunshot wounds. The five pilots were after them wielding various weapons, Quatre having somehow managed to get Heero's gun. "They're on their own!" the counselors yelled as they ran from the enraged pilots. The pilots proceeded to wreck the Maury set, then rounded on Relena while shouting "OMAEO KOROSU!" The pilots ran after Relena and off the set.

Maury turned to a camera. "I think they've conquered their fears," he said. "But now I've got a fear: gundam pilots. I think we'll be off the air for a while we fix the set, but enjoy the reruns and I hope to see you next time." 

No one heard him. The audience had run for their lives.


End file.
